Funny Advice for New Parents: 51 Tips That Are Also True

The best funny advice for new parents is honest advice with a wink: sleep when you can, lower your standards for a clean house, buy more wipes than you think you need, and laugh at the moments that would otherwise make you cry. Below are more than 50 original, lighthearted tips for moms and dads in the newborn months, grouped by topic, plus a short section of serious safe-sleep guidance from the American Academy of Pediatrics so the jokes never get in the way of what matters. Use them in a baby shower card, a group chat, or the next time a friend tells you they are expecting.

Funny advice about sleep (or the lack of it)

• "Sleep when the baby sleeps. Also do laundry when the baby does laundry."
• "You will learn to tell the time by how many times you've been woken up."
• "Never say 'the baby finally slept through the night' out loud. The baby can hear you."
• "Night feeds are a great time to discover every show you swore you'd never watch."
• "Your new favorite word is 'nap.' Your second favorite word is also 'nap.'"
• "Don't try to win the 'who's more tired' contest with your partner. Nobody wins. Everyone yawns."
• "Coffee is not a personality, but for the next few months it might be."
• "At 3 a.m., the baby is not judging your singing voice. Sing anyway."

Funny advice about diapers, wipes and laundry

• "Buy wipes in bulk. Then buy more. You will use them on the baby, the car, the couch and yourself."
• "Every outfit is a two-hour outfit. Plan accordingly."
• "Always change a diaper like it's a bomb squad mission: calm, quick and ready for surprises."
• "Keep a spare shirt in the diaper bag. For you."
• "The baby will wait until you've put on a clean diaper to fill it. It's tradition."
• "Laundry is no longer a chore. It is a lifestyle."
• "Learn to fold a onesie in four seconds. Or don't fold it at all. The baby won't notice."

Funny advice about feeding

• "The baby will be hungry exactly when your food is ready. Learn to eat with one hand."
• "Burp cloths belong on every surface of the house, including surfaces you didn't know you had."
• "Keep snacks and water wherever you feed the baby. You'll get hungry too, and you won't be able to get up."
• "Your baby's favorite place to spit up is the clean shoulder."
• "Someday you'll serve a vegetable and watch it hit the wall. Take a picture first."
• "Never let anyone make you feel bad about how your baby is fed. A fed baby is the goal. Clean shirts are optional."

Funny advice about the house and your standards

• "A clean house is a sign of a baby who's asleep somewhere else."
• "Lower the bar. Then lower it again. Then sit on it and rest."
• "If visitors offer to help, hand them a dish towel, not the baby."
• "Paper plates are not giving up. Paper plates are strategy."
• "The best baby gear is the stuff you can open with one hand while holding a baby in the other."
• "You will find a pacifier in places you have never been. Don't ask how."
• "Put a phone charger in every room. You will not walk back for it."

Funny advice about leaving the house

• "It takes five minutes to get ready and forty-five minutes to leave. Start early."
• "The diaper bag holds everything you need except the thing you need right now."
• "Your baby will be perfectly calm until the exact moment you sit down in a restaurant."
• "Learn to fold the stroller before you need to fold the stroller in a parking lot in the rain."
• "Being late is now your normal arrival time. Your friends will adjust."
• "Bring a toy, a snack and a backup toy. The baby will want your keys anyway."

Funny advice for new dads and partners

• "Learn the swaddle early. It's the only origami that really matters."
• "If you're not sure what to do, take out the trash and refill the water bottle. You'll be a hero."
• "You will become an expert in the bounce-and-sway. Your back will file a complaint."
• "Say 'you're doing great' at least once a day. Mean it every time."
• "Your new title is Head of Snacks, Bottles and Finding the Other Sock."
• "Don't wait to be asked. If the baby is crying and your partner is eating, you're up."

Funny advice about advice

• "Everyone will tell you what to do. Nod, smile and keep whatever actually helps."
• "Your baby has not read the parenting books. Neither has your mother-in-law."
• "For every expert who says one thing, there's another expert who says the opposite. Ask your pediatrician."
• "The internet will scare you at 2 a.m. Close the tab and call the nurse line instead."
• "Trust your gut. It's been up with the baby all night too."

Funny but true advice to remember

Some of the funniest advice is also the most useful.

• "The days are long and the photo library is longer. Back up your phone."
• "Take the picture even if you look tired. Your kid will want to see you in it someday."
• "Every phase feels permanent and none of them are. Including the good ones, so enjoy those."
• "You don't have to love every minute. You just have to love the baby."
• "Ask for help before you need it. People like being useful, especially when food is involved."
• "Laugh at the mess. It costs nothing, and the mess isn't going anywhere."

The serious part: safe sleep basics

A joke about naps is fine. Sleep safety is not something to wing. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following for babies up to 1 year old, as summarized in its parent's guide to safe sleep:

• Back to sleep: place your baby on their back for every nap and at night. Side sleeping is not considered safe either.
• Firm, flat surface: use a firm, flat sleep surface with a fitted sheet only. Any surface inclined more than 10 degrees is not safe for sleep.
• Nothing soft in the sleep space: keep pillows, quilts, blankets, toys and bumper pads out. Use clothing layers or a wearable blanket for warmth.
• Share a room, not a bed: the AAP advises room sharing for at least the first 6 months and says it can lower the risk of SIDS by as much as 50%.

If you have questions about your own baby, ask your pediatrician. No funny quote replaces that conversation.

How to use these funny tips

• Baby shower cards: write two or three favorites, then add a sincere line such as "You're going to be great at this."
• Advice cards at a shower: print a handful as examples so guests feel free to be funny with their own.
• Group chats: send one to a friend in the newborn weeks. A laugh at 3 a.m. can feel like company.
• Your own fridge: post the one you need most, probably the one about lowering the bar.

Every family's version of the newborn months is different, so the funniest advice is often the advice you write yourself. Take one of these as a starting point, swap in a detail from your own life, and pass it on to the next set of tired, happy, slightly bewildered new parents.